I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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