I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
