I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
