Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
