we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Watching her eat just hurts me
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
