dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
