i jhust puked up my retainher.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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