I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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