Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I think my fart just growled at me.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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