I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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