dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
