so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
