thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
