Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
