I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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