Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I don't want my vagina anymore.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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