remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Can I color on your dick again?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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