You're my little dorito
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
