so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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