Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
