The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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