i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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