I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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