note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
