It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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