I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
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i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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