for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
