actually, I'm a sock model
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
