my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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