if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
she pinky promised me she was 18
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.