Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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