Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
