She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
