apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
