My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
