My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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