I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Randomize
