Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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