my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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