I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
