On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
