I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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