i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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