i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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