I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
