my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
