After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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