I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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