There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
