My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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