My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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