Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
