Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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