your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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