I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
